Divorce is hard on every family. For some families, the pain does not end when the divorce is final. Years later, a grown son or daughter may pull away from a parent. They may stop all contact. This is called estrangement, and it may be due to a mix of reasons – including the divorce.

Kingston Law Group New Jersey family law attorneys know that divorce is about more than money, property division, and parenting time. It’s about your family, for years to come. Call us at 609-683-7400 to learn more.

What Is Child Estrangement?

Estrangement occurs when a child and a parent stop interacting because of some negative feelings or circumstances. Often, an adult child chooses to limit or end contact. This can last for months, years, or a lifetime.

Estrangement is very common. One US study found that 27% of Americans are actively estranged from at least one family member. It can be a difficult but healthy choice for people who can’t bridge their differences in a healthy way. A person may estrange themselves to protect their own well-being.

Estrangement between an adult child and a parent:

• Usually builds up slowly and is rarely about one dispute, but a particular event or confrontation can be the “straw that breaks the camel’s back”
• It can happen with one child, but not with others in the same family
• Many people who are estranged still feel love and grief for that parent

Estrangement isn’t necessarily forever. Often family members come to terms with each other.

What Role Might Divorce Play in Estrangement?

Divorce alone probably won’t cause an estrangement, but it may raise the risk. This often shows up years later, once a child is grown.

• In one large survey, about 70% of parents who had lost contact with a child had divorced the child’s other parent
• Fathers are more likely than mothers to become estranged from adult children after a divorce
• Divorce and ongoing conflict between parents can weaken a child’s bond with both parents. This is often worse for fathers, and it can last well into adulthood
• Experts who study estrangement often see the same pattern: abuse of some kind, divorce, and a parent’s remarriage
• There’s more stigma against a mother estranged from a child, because society expects “good mothers” who are more emotionally attached to children than their fathers

Despite many common themes, every family situation is unique.

What Other Factors Might Come Into Play?

Estrangement almost always has more than one cause. Forty-three parents with estranged adult children were surveyed about the situation. When asked about what led to the situation, the responses were as follows:

• 79% – The behavior, issues, or traits of the child
• 72% – The problems surrounding a difficult in-law/partner
• 67% – Disagreements about beliefs and values
• 42% – Separation or divorce
• 42% – Financial problems and conflicts
• 30% – Adverse childhood experiences of the estranged child
• 16% – Interference from someone other than a partner

More than half of the respondents (58%) cited other reasons, including the following:

• Their own traits and behaviors
• Communication issues
• A family history of estrangement
• Passive loss of contact

About 80% of parents described their estranged child as difficult or troubled. Not surprisingly, parents and adult children often disagree about the cause of their split. While parents may blame outside factors, like a divorce or a new partner, adult children more often point to the following:

• Their treatment while growing up
• Differences in values, beliefs, or politics
• Disclosing one’s sexual preference
• Leaving their parents’ religion
• Stepping away from family traditions

Estrangement often happens if a child’s life or beliefs are heading in a direction a parent can’t accept.

How Can a Parent Prevent Estrangement During Divorce?

Research and New Jersey law may provide some help:

• Keep conflict between you and your spouse away from your child. Conflict between parents, not divorce itself, does more harm to kids
• Never make your child choose a side, emotionally blackmail them, or use them as a way to punish your spouse
• Degrading, insulting, or accusing your spouse of wrongdoing may cause them to feel negatively about you, not your spouse
• Don’t blame your child for your divorce
• Keep routines steady. Familiar schools, friends, and schedules help kids feel safe during difficult times
• Support, love, and do your best to understand what your child is going through, and help them through it
• Work on talking with the other parent. One consideration for what custody decision is in a child’s best interest is how well a parent can agree, communicate, and work with the other

Those divorcing who share children with their spouses must juggle their resources so they can get through the process in the short term, while maintaining healthy relationships with their children that will continue.

A Path Forward

If you’re estranged from a parent or your adult child, and both parties are interested in bringing it to an end and willing to show some flexibility in their beliefs and relationship, it may happen. Family therapy or counseling may make reconciliation easier and faster.

Talk to Kingston Law Group

For help with divorce, custody, and family law disputes, call Kingston Law Group at 609-683-7400 to arrange a near-term, reduced-fee initial consultation. We will listen to your facts, discuss the law, and advise you of your options. We accept credit cards and offer appointments from 9 a.m. to 5:30 p.m., Monday through Friday. We also have pre-arranged evening appointments. Contact us today. You will be glad you did!!