If your spouse can’t or won’t stop drinking alcohol to excess and it’s adversely affecting your relationship, it may be time to end the marriage. Alcohol dependence is a complex condition that won’t go away without persistent action by your spouse. If you’ve had enough and the impact upon the kids and you is bad, then it may be time to close a chapter in your life and open a new one.

People With Drinking Disorders are More Likely to Divorce

If you’re in this situation, don’t blame yourself. You can’t control everything.

Those with an alcohol use disorder (AUD) are much more likely to divorce, according to findings of a survey of 43,083 adults. The results were published in a 2014 article in the Journal of Studies on Alcohol Drugs. Researchers found that 48.3% of those with AUD had divorced in the past, while only 30.8% divorced where alcohol was not an issue.

When Is it Best Time to Divorce Your Alcoholic Spouse?

Divorce is easier said than done, especially if you’re in a long-term relationship and you have children. But it’s a manageable process that can leave you much better off than when you started. Promises Behavior Health has these suggestions on when it’s time to end your relationship.

1. You’re Being Negatively Impacted

Your physical and emotional well-being are suffering, causing practical problems in your everyday life. You may be dealing with the following issues:

• Anxiety and depression
• Your own substance abuse problems
• You’re not keeping up with your work, family, or personal obligations
• You don’t sleep well
• You’re not taking care of yourself or your children
• You may have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
• Financial problems caused by your spouse’s alcohol abuse
• You channel your anger at others, not your spouse

These are all red flags for you to make changes in your life.

2. You Spouse Shows No Signs of Stopping

Your spouse may be at any one of these challenge points in their addiction, including:

• They don’t understand they have a problem, recognize what’s going on, or grasp the destruction that’s going on;
• They don’t care or don’t want to make the effort needed to change;
• People with an addiction often seek help after they “hit bottom.” Your spouse hasn’t reached a point where things are so bad the problem is undeniable, and they must choose between using alcohol and living their life;
• Given the physical changes chronic alcohol use makes to the brain, they need professional help to stop, but they’re unwilling to get it;
• Past interventions with family and friends haven’t resulted in lasting changes; and
• They may have tried to get sober in the past yet have given up and won’t try again.

As much as you may love and care about your spouse, there’s only so much you can do and take. These are decisions and actions that only you can take.

3. Your Spouse is Dangerous and Unpredictable

Alcohol can make people erratic and impulsive. It clouds their judgment and they may act and say things that expose themselves to danger.  Sometimes they don’t realize and sometimes they just don’t care.  They may:

• Drive while impaired;
• Get into physical altercations with others;
• Threaten others or themselves with harm;
• Spend a lot of money frivolously;
• Become belligerent and act out for no legitimate reason;
• Become physically or emotionally abusive towards you, your kids, extended family members, friends, or even strangers; and
• Become depressed, withdrawn, sad, and talk about self-harm or suicide.

Living with an unpredictable and potentially violent spouse can make you anxious, depressed, and hypervigilant, causing your physical and mental health to suffer.

4. Your Spouse is Physically, Sexually, or Emotionally Abusive

Alcohol can lubricate the gears of abuse inside your spouse’s damaged personality. When sober, they may not lash out or even express regret over past aggression.  They may promise not to do it again. But moments of clarity can be washed away when the drinking pattern starts anew.

Your spouse’s impulse control and judgment may disappear, while anger, jealousy, and vindictiveness go into overdrive. They have easy access to you or your children, so you or the kids are the focus of their attacks. They may attack you with their body or use a weapon. Your spouse doesn’t see you as another human being. They must control you and may “punish” you if you’re not living up to their “rules.”

If your spouse is domestically violent, get to a place of physical safety and call the local police as soon as possible.  Filing for a temporary restraining order and then a final order can be very important in this situation, with or without a divorce, to avoid potentially severe or fatal injuries to you or your children. We have helped many spouses in these situations. Contact us so we can help you escape what you’re enduring and be safe.  There are superb community agencies dealing with mental health and domestic violence.  We will help you access such groups.

5. You’re Still Married Because You’re in Fear

Fear prevents you from improving your lifestyle, getting divorced, and moving past a relationship that’s harming you and your kids. You may fear many things, including:

• The divorce process;
• Others will find out about your personal and relationship problems;
• Some will unfairly blame you for the situation;
• Physical retaliation by your spouse;
• Your spouse’s decline will accelerate, and they may kill themselves;
• You’ll be financially unable to start over; and
• You believe, without evidence, that ending your marriage will be more harmful to your kids than continuing it.

Ninety-eight percent of NJ marriages end with agreements between the parties and uncontested divorces.  So, if you’re fearing a trial, it probably won’t happen. Others may find out about your situation, but you’re not to blame for it, and you should feel no shame in putting your life (and the lives of your kids) on the right track.

You may be entitled to spousal and child support. Your finances may be tighter than your current situation, but you should find freeing yourself from a substance-abusing spouse to be worth the cost. Your children will be better off with a single, fully functional parent than living with the chaos and harm that occurs in a household with a parent who cannot live without alcohol.

We can take steps to discourage your spouse from getting near or contacting you. Violating a protection from abuse order can result in an arrest and possibly jail time for your spouse. Your spouse is responsible for their own health and safety. You’ve tried to help, but you can only do so much. A divorce may be the “bottom” your spouse needs to turn their lives around.

If It’s Time for a Divorce, We Can Help

For those married to alcoholics, divorce can be the first step towards your health and happiness. During the initial consult, we will listen to your facts, explain the law, and suggest right and reasonable approaches for your children and you. We are compassionate counsel and tough advocates and we are ready to help you! Call us at 609-683-7400 or contact us online to schedule a near-term initial consultation at a reduced rate. Call today. You will be glad you did.