What is Narcissism?

We write this blog post as experts in New Jersey family law, not psychology, psychiatry, social work, or related mental health fields. The information contained in this post should not be read as diagnostic or prognostic of any individual or his or her mental illness. When in doubt, consult with a subject matter expert.

A narcissistic personality has been defined as demonstrating a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning in and after early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without corresponding achievement).
2. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or idealized love.
3. Believes that he or she is “special” and can only be understood by or associate with other special people or institutions.
4. Requires excessive admiration.
5. Has a sense of entitlement: has unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her wishes.
6. Is interpersonally exploitive: takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own desires.
7. Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
8. Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.
9. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.

During most divorces involving children, both parents will fight for what they believe is best for the kids. Many parents will overcome their differences and agree to a plan that allows both parents to have happy and healthy relationships with their kids. However, everyone is different, and some parents turn out to be narcissists.

Negotiating with a narcissist can be difficult, as they only focus on their own needs and desires. Some narcissists desire to hurt their spouse or partner by taking things away from them during divorce — including the children. The following suggestions will help you negotiate with a narcissist while also protecting your children.

Six (6) ideas for handling estranged current or former spouses and partners who suffer from NPD

The following ideas will help parents work through a separation or divorce with a person who suffers from a narcissistic personality disorder (NPD):

• Prepare yourself: Do your due diligence. Many communities organize divorce clinics or workshops to help understand the process and expectations. Understanding courtroom procedures will help you focus.
• Personal counseling: A narcissist will make you doubt yourself and feel guilty. Individual counseling can help you separate fact from fiction and provide you with coping methods.
• Control communications: Limit your contact with a narcissist to documented media like e-mail (including the widely preferred “ourfamilywizard” communication system at https://www.ourfamilywizard.com) and texts. Correspondingly, stay away from video and audio/oral communications, and certainly avoid in-person showups, except at a police station or other public place, preferably in the presence of a trusted third-party adult. Narcissists will persistently seek to keep you distracted, stressed, and worried about them. They will deny what they and you said and did and gaslight you into thinking you are the crazy one. Document every instance of communication.
• Maintain your composure: A narcissist may emotionally provoke you and then seek to convince a court you are unfit to parent. Knowing this, you can steel yourself against attacks and maintain composure.
• Accept their personality disorder: You cannot improve a narcissist, especially during separation or divorce. If you accept their disorder, you can maintain a healthy perspective about their actions and maintain focus.
• Let the mental health experts diagnose your partner: Even if you have expertise in the forensic mental health world, you are not going to be the expert in THIS case. Let the appointed experts do their jobs. Be a fact witness, period.

How can you negotiate with a narcissist?

Generally, there is only one result the narcissist will accept and that is their desired result. They will persist in seeking control of the process and creating delays, blaming you along the way. They will aggrandize their own behavior and seek to render you a mentally unstable parent. A 50-50 parenting time arrangement is a victory to them but may be a devastating loss for your children and you. They will also use finances to both punish and persuade you. Negotiating with a narcissist is like negotiating with a ferocious lion: proceed with extreme caution and be prepared to run – to court.

Should you mediate with a narcissist?

New Jersey requires mediation of all child custody and parenting time disputes. You are required to show up; you do NOT have to settle. Be in touch with your lawyer before signing any documents that are or may become binding. If the mediator seems sucked in by the narcissist, request a different mediator, ask for the lawyers to attend mediation sessions, or stop the process. The Family Court judge is never told why mediation came to an end and the mediator supplies no report to the Judge.

Will you be able to convince the Judge of your version of the truth and the children’s best interests?

• A picture is worth ten thousand words. Maintain paper and electronic records of everything that may be relevant: text messages, voice recordings (recording ONLY conversations in which you personally participate), social media, report cards, photos, videos, calendars, special occasion cards, notes from medical visits.
• Control the narrative. Don’t allow the narcissist to dominate. Challenge each lie with your truth, including exhibits. Anything in the communications stream can come back to haunt or reward you in court.
• Give the Devil his due. Even when you don’t feel like it, be reasonable when it is in the children’s best interests, including changing a weekend for a family occasion.
• Don’t leave disrespectful messages on the other party’s voicemail. These will be Exhibit A to the adversary’s court application.
• Keep a journal throughout the conflict. Be aware that this document might be discoverable by the other side.
• Even if you strongly believe you are in the right, don’t pull the kids into a tug of war.
• The rules of good communications: keep your messages short, polite, constructive, civil, and child centered. Remember, two wrongs don’t make a right. In response to the narcissist’s nastygram, you say: “I do not accept or acknowledge your version of these events.”
• Require children’s passports to be held in escrow by a professional in the case, to avoid a surprise child removal to another state or a foreign jurisdiction where it may not be so easy to get the child or children back.

CONCLUSION

Negotiating with a narcissist is one of the most difficult things we do in the Family Law arena. You need to maintain your own center, pay attention to your kids’ needs, and negotiate with a person who does not take anyone’s needs into account but his or her own. These individuals are difficult for therapists, mediators, and judges to reach. Do your best to make the process work, but there is no assurance you will succeed, even with tremendous professional help, support, and intervention. At the end of the day, you may need a trial to get the matter done. In any event, you will need a very good lawyer to see you through this difficult process.

If you or your friends or loved ones are struggling with a narcissistically disordered person in a family law matter, contact Kingston Law Group online or give us a call at 1.609.683-7400. We will listen to your facts, explain the law, and advise you how to maximize your legal, social, and financial outcomes. Call us today. You will be glad you did.