Divorce is a fact of life for too many. A successful marriage takes effort.  Despite mighty efforts, marriages still fail. Yet couples may inoculate their marriage and improve the odds of success by taking these extra steps to make it work. There’s no lack of marital advice out there. It’s a matter of applied wisdom.

Karl Pillemer is a gerontologist and author of 30 Lessons for Loving: Advice from the Wisest Americans on Love, Relationships, and Marriage. He spoke to more than 700 people married collectively for tens of thousands of years. Here are some nuggets of their collected wisdom:

Don’t settle

Only marry someone you love. That initial blaze of love doesn’t last.  Your relationship will work much better if you don’t settle when it begins.

Communicate

Communication is critical to a lasting marriage. Before you get married, talk about your values and make sure you’re compatible. Discuss if you want to have kids and how you want to raise them. Talk about money, what you want to spend it on, how you’ll afford things you want, and when you want to retire. Once married, talk when you’re happy and unhappy, about what makes you feel good and what doesn’t. You need to communicate even when it’s hard to do.

Your spouse is more important than your kids or job

If you have kids, they will dominate your lives. When they and your career are driving your life, what will happen to your marriage? Carve out time for your spouse. Maintaining an intimate relationship benefits you, your relationship, your ability to work, and your kids.

Don’t fight. Eat

Many of those interviewed stated it’s better to eat than say something nasty or angry to your spouse. Angry couples don’t last long.

The only constant is change

You and your spouse will change. Goals, jobs, health, priorities all change over time. Successful couples adapt when good things and bad happen.

What can you do for your spouse?

Many couples talk about the benefits of paying attention to their partner’s satisfaction. They want to do things that would make their partner’s life easier and more enjoyable because life would be better for both of them.

Take care of yourself

Don’t neglect your own needs. You should be emotionally, psychologically, and physically well to give your marriage the best chance at success. Focusing on your partner doesn’t mean ignoring your own needs.

Marriage is a long-term commitment

Be committed to the idea that your marriage should last. You should persevere, even if it meant years of relationship hardship. But those Pillemer spoke to say sticking through it was a smart decision.

He isn’t the only academic researching the issue and selling books. Eli Finkel, author of The All-or-Nothing Marriage: How the Best Marriages Work, has these suggestions:

Little things matter

Practice gratitude by saying “thank you” to your spouse. Touch each other more often. Being affectionately touched results in greater feelings of trust and security. One study found couples who double date with others had more passionate feelings. Share good news. It increases feelings of intimacy and satisfaction while both spouses benefit from the celebration. If you disagree with your spouse, get feedback from an objective third party. Are you reasonable? What would be a fair resolution?

Play more

In a study, 53 married couples engaged in activities that were either exciting (dancing or going to the theater) or pleasant (seeing a movie or going to dinner) for 1.5 hours a week over ten weeks. Those doing the exciting things were happier with their relationship than couples taking time for familiar, “pleasant” activities.

Don’t wait for the wheels to start coming off before seeing a marriage counselor

You may find better ways to discuss your differences and how to make yourself happy, so you’ll have a better relationship. A marriage counselor could help prevent differences from becoming ingrained problems.

Couples who find fault with one another persistently are predictive of divorce.

Couples are not aware of the corrosive effect of persistent carping and criticism.  Marital therapists know that if couples constantly snipe and find fault, the marriage is most likely doomed.  One healthy antidote is to encourage couples first to notice this behavior and then to take constructive action.  The recipient of carping criticism can ask, and the other party must give, seven (7) compliments for every criticism.  This will lead to a decrease of the critical expression, because (A) the critic’s mind will balance the single item of “bad” against seven (7) items of “good” and (B) with that new ratio, it takes longer to criticize than it used to.  It is also a fun new game to play.

Put your hands up and step away from the phone

A study in Computers in Human Behavior looked at data from 1,160 married people. The heavier the social-media use, the less marital happiness couples had. If arguments became angry, some couples didn’t talk things out. They retreated and sent each other text messages. Your relationship benefits more from direct, face-to-face conversations than through texts.

Get some sleep

A study by the University of California, Berkeley, researchers looked at more than 100 couples’ sleep habits. Those reporting poor sleep were much more likely to argue with their partners.

Laugh about the past

A study in Motivation and Emotion found that couples who remembered laughing together in the past (or “laughter reminiscence”) reported more relationship satisfaction. One of the authors stated this carries a more positive impact because couples relive the moment by laughing a second time.

Not everything works out as you hoped

Despite your best efforts, some marriages just don’t work out. It’s not something to be ashamed of and it doesn’t make you a bad person. A divorce is an end to a marriage, yet it’s not a divorce from your kids.  If your spouse can’t love you the way you need to be loved, or you can’t reciprocate that love, then it is best to find happiness elsewhere.  Living perpetually in a bad marriage is, well, bad: for your spouse, your kids, and you.  Divorce could be the beginning of the rest of your life.

Conclusion

If you need help evaluating your marital circumstances from a legal perspective, we can help.  We will help you look at your situation and make referrals to individual or couples therapists as needed.  We will educate you regarding the law as it applies to families and children, child support, spousal support (alimony), division of joint marital assets and debts, and all related topics.  Call us at 609-683-7400, or contact us online to schedule a near-term initial consultation at a reduced rate.  The initial consult could be by Zoom, safely in person with masks and social distancing, or by phone.  We are conveniently located in Central Jersey’s Kingston community. Call today. You will be glad you did.