If you have made the decision to get divorced, Hanan-the-trial-lawyer and Rachel-the-divorce-mediator are here to help you in different yet complementary ways.

INTRODUCTION

A New Jersey divorce can be very confusing and stressful for everyone, with emotions running high. You may be angry, shaken, and concerned for your children. You may be scared and not sure about next steps. After working on a high conflict case together, Hanan and I know there are a few key assessments you need to make.

THE KEY STEPS

1. Put a support system in place

Do not go through the divorce process alone. Period. There is no heroism in refusing to get help. Even heroes need help sometimes. If you have a strong, loving, non-judgmental group of family and friends rallying around you, congratulations! You are among the very fortunate, but you are probably also dead and in heaven, so no need to read on. But really, if you are lucky enough to have all the support you need at hand, utilize it. If you do not, and most divorcing people do not, make shameless use of whatever resources you need. Start by identifying what hurts most and what would be anodyne to that pain. Individual or group therapy is usually a good starting place. Alexander Mediation Group (AMG) offers a free divorce support group to address this need.

2. Determine how you want to proceed, and whether you need mediation first or legal representation?

You have options. Do you need a sounding board or an advocate?  A legal consult or a lawyer to present at your arbitration or mediation?  A negotiation lawyer or a collaborative lawyer?  Or do you need someone who will file a divorce complaint for you and go to court seeking immediate financial and other relief?

Do some homework in this area, ask questions, and determine which path is going to work most effectively for you and your family, both short-term and permanently.

If trust is missing and you suspect you are going to be lied to, then you may want to start with an experienced trial attorney, like Hanan, for legal representation and advice.

Mediation clients and the work I do are best suited to those committed to working through a fair and reasonable process of compromise. Stress can happen, but we strive to work through it, rather than allow the parties to become polarized.

Get expert advice, to yield the best outcome in the shortest amount of time.  Will the pliability of mediation do the trick?  Or do you need a tougher approach right now?

3. Get your documents in order

You will save aggravation, time and money if you have your documents in order from the start. You will need a copy of your marriage license, financial records, retirement accounts, your prenup or post-nuptial agreements, housing documents…and others that we can go over once we learn about your specific circumstances. Maintain a detailed list and designate one folder to house all the documents. Keep it in the same place.

4. Prioritize

One of my mentors, Anju Jessani, poses this question to her mediation clients: “What keeps you up at night?” I love this question as a starting point to help people identify what is most important to them. It’s a good bet that whichever open issue is causing you the most intense and immediate distress, is also calling loudly for your attention. Going into a divorce, “you don’t know what you don’t know.”

Informing you is part of what we do. It is our job to make sure we cover every aspect of the legally mandated decision-making that goes into divorce including child custody, child support, parenting plans and guidelines, holiday schedules, alimony, equitable distribution of the marital estate (including division of retirement assets, real and personal property, and debt).

We guide you through the nuances and intricacies of all of the subjects pertinent to you. We also explain and manage the paperwork and filings required by the court. Do not try to mediate or litigate your entire divorce before seeing us. Do consider what you and your children need to move forward in wellness and health.

Spend some time not only identifying what scares you, but also envisioning what life will look like down the road if everything goes well now. By defining and articulating what is most meaningful to you, you supply us with the information we need to best serve you. Your priorities shape how we proceed.

CONCLUSION

As you go through the divorce process, you may feel you are juggling too many balls. You may not know how to juggle well, and your arms may be tired. There is no reason to worry. With the help of experts, you will handle each of the critical steps before you. You will travel through your divorce and enter the next chapter of your life with a solid outcome.

If you want to explore divorce mediation, please contact Rachel Alexander at 908-832-2305, www.alexandermediation.com. If you want to speak with a trial advocate who supports mediation and other forms of Alternative Dispute Resolution, please contact Hanan at local 609-683-7400,