Veronica came in to see me by herself. She appeared to be in her early 80’s. She looked anxious and confused and was disheveled in appearance. She wasn’t sure why she needed to see me, other than that her three (3) grown up daughters threatened not to stay in contact with her anymore unless she divorced their step father.

I told Veronica that I could not move forward in this matter until one of her children brought Veronica back in to speak with me. It was not at all clear to me that Veronica had full capacity to engage a lawyer and follow the steps necessary to obtain a divorce, if in fact that was what she wanted.

That was the beginning of a two-year saga.

At our next meeting, Veronica showed up with Lily, her refined and elegant looking youngest daughter, who appeared to be in her mid-40’s. Lily told me that Veronica and her husband, Elton, were both serious substance abusers, were both domestically violent, and that her stepdad had been admitted to the VA Hospital in Lyons recently for some serious medical problems. Lily stated that Veronica needed to be on medication to keep her mood stable, without which she could not maintain her mental competency, and that Veronica was not compliant about taking her meds.

Lily told me that she and her sisters were concerned for their mom’s well-being. They were also concerned that their stepdad, Elton, whom they described as a gold digger, could end up with their mother’s entire estate, instead of the three (3) sisters and their children.

When Lily was done speaking, I asked both of them whether I could speak with Veronica alone, for legal ethics reasons.

I assured Veronica that she was my client, not any of the children, and that I had to do what she wanted. On the other hand, since Veronica’s capacity to make decisions for herself seemed to be in question, I thought it best to direct Veronica to a social worker who specialized in eldercare issues, followed by a referral to an elderlaw specialist, an attorney who handles the multi-faceted issues facing senior citizens.

Veronica refused any such intervention. She wanted complete independence.  I advised Veronica and separately told Lily that I could not get involved any further at that time, until we could secure Veronica’s reasonable cooperation in the important matters in question.

The next I heard about Veronica was from Cassandra, Veronica’s eldest daughter and a prominent criminal defense lawyer who lived in Chicago. It seems that Veronica took a cab from Princeton to Chicago (no joke), and was arrested for bizarre public behavior while under the influence of controlled substances. The police took Veronica to a psychiatric ward, where she was kept involuntarily for a short time. She was brought before a committing judge, examined by two (2) doctors, and given a lawyer to represent her. Following the physician’s reports and a hearing, Veronica was declared mentally incompetent under Illinois law, and put in the care and custody of Cassandra.

Veronica’s family used that judicial finding to institute guardianship proceedings here in New Jersey, where I continued to serve as Veronica’s personal legal counsel. Veronica came back to New Jersey in much better shape than when she left. She was on medication and her mood and level of engagement were vastly improved. I felt like I was dealing with an entirely different person.

Veronica told me that she “definitely” wanted a divorce from Elton, whom she described as abusive, manipulative, and demanding. She did not expect him to get out of the VA Hospital any time soon. At her direction, we commenced a divorce action, in which the Guardian joined. We served Elton at the VA, and he never responded. The only property of any value belonged to Veronica, and it was all premarital.

We referred Veronica to an elderlaw specialist, who advised the Guardian and Veronica about the complexities of Medicare, Medicaid, assisted living issues, the need for a revised testamentary will, durable power of attorney, and health care advanced directive, among other things. I spoke with Veronica and the Guardian about the importance of following this advice, to assure the safety and security of Veronica and her personal estate.

This story had a happy ending. Veronica moved in with Lily. She had more than sufficient funds to secure help from daytime heath aides. Veronica was in touch with all of her grandchildren, who got to know this woman really for the first time in their young lives. Veronica was thriving.

The divorce process happened quickly and without a hitch. I remember the Judge questioning Veronica in the courtroom, understanding that she had a Guardian and might not be able to participate in the process fully. Veronica quickly set the Judge straight: “Your Honor, I know exactly what I am doing and I definitely want to be divorced from Elton. Nobody is forcing me to do that. I am doing it of my own free will.” The Judge had a broad smile on his face, and he said: “I am quite sure of that.”

The areas of divorce and elderlaw overlap in important ways. Seniors who divorce must consider financial, psychological, and legal issues all at the same time. If divorce is not easy for young people, you can only imagine how frightening it appears to the elderly. They worry about their physical safety, financial security, rights in housing, medical problems, and mental health issues. Professionals in law, finance, and mental health are the keys to these interlocking puzzles, which require technical competence, collaboration, creativity, and flexibility. There are tax issues, inheritance questions, Social Security rights, estate planning, and financial planning to be considered. Guardianship issues also must be considered, as in Veronica’s case.

It is important to select the best professionals for the job. And while some may question whether it truly “takes a village” to help a senior citizen get a divorce, I say, “Measure twice, and cut once.” This is an area in which it is easy to make mistakes and sometimes hard and expensive to correct them. This work is not for the faint of heart; and certainly not for “professionals on training wheels”.

If you or someone you know may need assistance in the area of “grey divorce”, please call upon my office for advice, coaching, or advocacy. We will recommend and bring in any required experts in the areas of elderlaw, mental health, and financial planning. Let us know how we may be of help to you and yours. That is our sole driving mission and focus.