Marriages can be like icebergs. You only see a small part of the trouble beneath the water line. Many things could happen to force the iceberg to flip, exposing the conflict underneath. It might be issues with their children, financial problems, health issues, or home renovation. There are many potential problems when changing your home, including divorce.

Survey of Homeowners Finds Renovations Can Be Challenging for Relationships

Projects are a mixed bag of good and bad for homeowners, according to the 2018 Houzz Remodeling & Relationships Survey. The survey of 1,300 people who renovated a home with their partner or spouse found that:

• 7% considered separation or divorce during the process (down from 12% in the 2016 survey)
• 33% stated the process was frustrating
• 30% noted the most significant problems were agreeing on products, materials, and finishes
• 29% reported communications problems
• 25% had difficulty staying within budget
• 25% had trouble agreeing to styles or designs

On the upside:

• 59% stated it was a collaborative process
• 53% reported the process was fulfilling

Participants made suggestions to make renovations less painful:

• 34% make compromises
• 29% get suggestions from home professionals

Home renovations can test a relationship. Would yours pass?

Fundamental Differences Exposed During Renovation Project

A major project can create major conflicts, as a recent Washington Post article illustrates. It focuses on Victoria Barnes and Paul Keifrider and their decade-long renovation of their Victorian home in Merchantville, outside Philadelphia.

The renovation was completed in 2021, but the experience was fresh in the married couple’s minds. Paul wanted to take action and start the project with little planning. Due to his impatience, much of what he did ended up having to be redone, which frustrated them.

Paul sees lack of planning as less of an issue than his wife’s changed mind and ideas that struck in the middle of the work. Victoria wanted a custom-built bathroom cabinet created, and a free piano found on Craigslist converted to a kitchen island while he worked on the project.

Victoria admits she made her husband “incredibly angry” but blames him for charging forward without discussing issues and being upset when she disagreed with what he wanted to do.

“There were lots of times — maybe all of the time — that we were just miserable with each other,” Victoria admits. “And yeah, it’s some kind of strange miracle that we didn’t get divorced.” Paul says they didn’t have time to divorce.

The two faced issues beyond their renovations. Victoria manages rental properties, and Paul repairs machinery full-time. They took on the renovation work themselves and lived in their own construction zone. Hiring contractors frees up a lot of time but makes the project a lot more expensive.

Their backgrounds influenced their approaches to the project. Victoria grew up in a home where things never got fixed, and Paul came from a long line of doers. “If there’s a project hanging over my head, I want to move forward with it.”

The house is done, and the two remain married. Would they renovate again? “We would do it again because we’re idiots,” Victoria says. “Or, I’m an idiot and Paul has a short memory.” Paul replies, “We love to suffer.”

Lack of Communication May Drive Disagreements and Frustration

Lack of communication, perhaps out of fear a spouse may disagree or a desire for control, can be significant problems. One divorce attorney cited a case where a spouse didn’t know the costs until contracts were signed. She reports that 95% of the couple’s marital assets are invested in the home, which has a mold problem and is unoccupied.

Before starting a renovation, a couple should openly discuss the emotional and financial toll it could produce. As work progresses, problems and disagreements may arise. They need to be addressed, not allowed to fester, because something minor may trigger a major emotional explosion. Timing is everything. Decisions might be better made after the parties cool off, not during an argument.

Lawyers, Therapists, and Building Professionals Offer Advice

Before starting a remodel, ensure your relationship is as solid as the deck you want because the project may take on a life of its own. The Post states that many personal issues become involved:

• Our relationships with money
• Comfort and happiness vs. saving money and financial security
• How we want others to perceive us
• Our experiences growing up. Someone growing up in poverty may want a more comfortable, well-appointed home
• Our quest for happiness

Building professionals with enough experience try to screen out clients with troubled relationships. Warning signs for them (and you) are:

• Meetings with one spouse, not both
• One talks over, or for, the other spouse

One professional will turn down projects because of relationship problems he perceives but will lie to the couple and blame the refusal on the plan’s complexity. One architect the Post spoke to had three projects impacted by relationship issues:

• One couple planned a $2.5 million project, which would be the subject of an HGTV program. The money was available, yet they didn’t want to invest it in a project, given their relationship problems
• Another couple constantly argued during meetings. They separated a month after the home was complete
• A husband from a wealthy family pushed the couple’s budget to the limit, against his wife’s wishes. A year after moving in, he lost his job, putting the financial burden on his wife. Being land-rich and money-poor may have contributed to their divorce

The couple’s faulty relationship can’t bear its weight. If you plan an extensive renovation, is your marriage’s foundation strong enough?

If It’s Time for a Divorce, We Can Help

Whether a home renovation or another event led to your relationship breaking down, we will listen to your facts, explain the law, and suggest reasonable approaches for your children and you. We are compassionate counsel and tough advocates, and we are ready to help you! Call us at 609-683-7400 or contact us online to schedule a near-term initial consultation at a reduced rate. Call today. You will be glad you did.