Divorce is a stressful event for parents and children alike, and sometimes parents react to the stress of divorce in destructive ways, to self and others. Parental Alienation has gained recognition in recent years as a condition that can cause extreme psychological harm to the children of divorce and their alienated parent.

Parental alienation is an old story with a new name; it is characterized by the acts of one parent that undermine the relationship of the child or children with the second parent. Parental alienation can be achieved through bad-mouthing the second parent, fabricating disturbing stories about the other parent, putting the other parent or his or her family down, removing photos or other reminders of that parent from the alienators home, or physically preventing the children from seeing, speaking with, or visiting the other parent.

Experts have recognized three types of alienation:

Naïve alienation — Most parents slip up occasionally, making negative comments about the former spouse or allowing children to overhear negative talk about the absent parent. This type of alienation stems from an inability to control one’s impulses than a conscious intent to harm the relationship between children and the other parent;
Active alienation — Without intent to harm the child, this parent makes constant negative comments about the other parent. This parent holds their own need to vent frustration above the needs of the child to have a positive relationship with both parents;
Obsessive alienation — This parent devises a campaign to destroy the child’s relationship with the second parent. This can take the form of refusing to allow communications, refusing to deliver the child for shared parenting time, and persistent serious badmouthing of the other parent.

Parental alienation can have the desired result when the child submits to the alienating parent’s manipulation and refuses to see or contact the second parent. In every such case, even off-handed negative comments can damage the child’s self esteem and cause irreversible harm. Parental alienation is deemed so harmful to children that it has been included in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders in its recently published fifth edition as “parent child relational syndrome”, which is close enough for supporters of parental alienation science and lay observation. The new broader category of “child psychological abuse” is defined to include “non-accidental verbal or symbolic acts by a child’s parent or caregiver that result, or have reasonable potential to result, in significant psychological harm to a child.”

Parental alienation can be addressed by the legal system during or after a divorce. If a Family Court Judge suspects or determines that one parent is alienating the child or children from the other parent, the Court can appoint a social worker or guardian ad litem or even a lawyer for the child or children, to observe both parents and interview children. The Court has the power to change physical custody from the alienator to the other parent; mandate psychological counseling for the entire family unit; sanction the alienating parent for misconduct; and take such other steps as are necessary and reasonable to eliminate the parental alienation and fix the damaged parental relationship. It is crucial that parents who suspect alienation act quickly, speak to an attorney, and provide documentation as early in the process as possible.

Regarding active or obsessive alienation, described above, I am not in the business of sugarcoating these ugly cases. I have been involved as an advocate in several of them over many years. They are really difficult cases to take on behalf of the victimized parent. Parental alienation matters are heartbreaking, as one parent misuses their power over the children to deliberately ruin the children’s relationship with the other parent, which both parent and child have a lawful and even constitutional right to. The victimized parent then has to deal not only with a divorce from his or her spouse, but now a divorce from his or her children, which was never supposed to happen. Parental alienators act from emotion tainted by strong but wrong belief. They have very strong feeling about the other parent: that he or she is worthless, a devil, morally corrupt, a sexual abuser of the children, etc. We are not talking here about reality, because we all know that sometimes bad things happen and the system needs to address seriously dysfunctional parenting. In parental alienation cases, by contrast, the parental alienator does not care about the facts, except the facts they prefer. When expert witnesses disagree with them, when Judges rule against them, the parental alienators barely stop to notice. It is their version of reality that governs, and no one else’s. They see themselves as in charge and fighting for the health, safety, and even the very lives of the children. They see themselves as the only judge who truly counts. Real judges sometimes are taken in by the alienating parent, and, believe it or not, sometimes are fearful of that parent’s power. That is when an expert witness, a forensic psychologist or psychiatrist, is critical to the process of truth telling.

Indeed, the alienators power over children can be frightening to observe. In some situations, it takes more than a decade to get the family system straightened out. Sadly, sometimes, it never gets straightened out. In extreme cases, the alienated parent’s best bet is to create a new family with new children, because the children of the first marriage are completely lost to the alienated parent forever. Unless those children have a breakthrough and decide to test the forbidden waters when they are fully adults and perhaps in their own therapy to deal with the losses of their childhood. When that happens, sometimes the alienated parent gets a second chance.

Don’t let your estranged or former spouse undermine your relationship with your children. It is against the law. If you suspect this is happening in your family, call the compassionate yet tough Family Law attorneys at Hanan M. Isaacs, P.C., for support in your time of distress and need. Call us at 609-683-7400 or contact us online today. We will listen to your facts, explain the law, and then recommend options that are just and reasonable for the children and you. We offer an initial consultation at a reduced fee, at our Central Jersey offices in Kingston. Call today. You will be glad you did.