[Attorney Misty Velasques at Hanan M. Isaacs, P.C., recently published a blog post titled “My Spouse Just had me Served with a Divorce Complaint: Now What??”
https://kingstonlawgroup.com/blog/divorce/#sthash.HH2j7W7M.dpuf 

In this post, Guest Blogger Rachel Alexander, a New Jersey mediator and attorney, gives a mediator’s perspective on the same topic. What differences do you see in the two approaches? Are they reconcilable?
Enjoy Rachel’s post!!

The divorce may have been long in the making or could have been a complete surprise to one of them. Getting served with formal legal documents from the person who shared your bed and your life can feel like getting hit in the stomach with a bowling pin. You may feel like you can’t catch your breath or regain your balance even while your whole system struggles to do just that! Even before the complex emotions surface, there is usually a visceral, physiological reaction that can feel similar to the body’s natural response to attack.

First, take no action. This is important. Now is not the time to make rash decisions or act impulsively. Give yourself “a moment” – whether that is a few hours or a day or two – to attend to you. Allow your system to settle. This gives your system the attention it needs after such an event and this immediate attention can facilitate your return to a more grounded, settled and effective state much more rapidly than if you ignore, suppress or deny your internal experience.

When you are served with divorce papers, your spouse has initiated the New Jersey divorce process. They have hired and spent time with counsel and are ready to move forward.

Once you have taken step one, it’s time for step two – getting some information and assistance so you can start to work on your plan. You are welcome to call me or any mediator or mediation friendly attorney – Hanan Isaacs is someone I recommend – who you know and trust. During this call I answer your questions and help you get a sense of your options, whether those involve our working together or a referral to another professional. We discuss your specific situation, family, and finances, as well as your options for moving forward. There is no charge for an initial call with my office or with many of my colleagues.

Now, while you will need to work within the boundaries of dates set by court, you do not need to rush into major decisions. Allow a bit of the emotional dust to settle as you start to research options, talk with your support system and consider legal representation.

Internally, you will need time to fully accept and understand the situation. There are many legal and financial issues tied into divorce law so coming to a quick, uneducated or misinformed decision to agree on divorce settlement terms could be a serious, long lasting mistake.

Spend time thinking about the type of divorce you want and the representation that it will require. I help spouses in several ways including cooperative divorces (where spouses work together, utilizing separate attorneys, to come up with an equitable agreement allowing both sides to move on with their lives) and divorce mediation (where spouses work together with the assistance of a neutral third party, a mediator, to reach consensus on all the issues required to arrive at a divorce agreement, in New Jersey called a Property Settlement Agreement).

If you’ve been served with divorce papers or you and your spouse appear to be headed towards divorce, please call a professional who can help.

Once served with divorce papers here in New Jersey you will have a myriad of decisions to make.

If you have children, you and your spouse will need to work out custody arrangements as well as child support.

Property (including a business) may need to be divided, and marital property distinguished from individual property so as to be properly divided.

Alimony is always a difficult issue; whether it’s paid, by whom, and for how long. There can be negative tax consequences if issues are not handled properly. Alternatively, there can be tax benefits if financial issues are handled holistically and skillfully.

CONCLUSION

If divorce is on your horizon, however bleak and sunless that horizon appears, be assured that you do not need to face any of this alone. There are many professionals who are empathic and competent, many of whom have walked in your shoes in their own lives, and bring to their work a commitment and sensitivity that is helpful and supportive. I aim to be one such resource. Please do not hesitate to call upon me.