We often represent clients seeking to dissolve their marriages. That is a significant part of our business and income.  Why would a family law firm ever suggest ways that divorce could be avoided? We care deeply about our clients and want what is in their short and long term best interests (the same high standard that applies to parental decision-making – understanding we are not the parents). Though divorce is the correct step for many couples, it can be the wrong answer for some.  We believe it is a duty of family law counsel to question clients initially, at least, and sometimes later on in a case, to be sure the marriage is dead.  We don’t want to bury a live marriage. An ounce of marital prevention may be worth a pound of divorce cure.

If your relationship is in trouble, turning things around with special events, nights out, or a vacation may be too little too late, according to an article in Inc. magazine. Grand gestures may be the equivalent of trying to ace an exam by pulling an all-nighter, instead of consistently going to class and studying along the way.

Research by psychologists John Gottman and Janice Driver shows that couples’ responses to each other’s bids for attention in everyday life is predictive of marital success or failure. Examples, according to an article in Psychology Today, include:

• Sharing stories about your day: Wanting to share a story, no matter what it’s about, concerning what we have experienced, is a bid to connect. We want to feel heard, understood, valued, and supported.  That bid needs to be met consistently, by both spouses.
• Grasping for attention: We want to show the person something. A neighbor is cutting a tree down. A video that makes you laugh. It’s a way to get attention.
• Sharing accomplishments: When your mate tells you a success story, they want to be validated. What they did, and who they are, should be recognized
• Sharing a post or link: In our digital age, communication is a way to connect and start a conversation. You saw something your spouse might find interesting.  You want to brighten the other person’s day.
• Talking about a common interest: This is the real-time version of sharing a post or link. Discussing a topic of common interest not only sends a message about the subject but is also a way to say, “I think this is interesting and we could talk about it.”
• Seeking a hug or physical affection: If your spouse reaches out to you, he or she is showing their need to feel connected, and you need to connect.
• Expressing a concern: Ask each other about a recent problem. It’s a way to show you care about the other person.

There are three different ways to respond.

• Turn toward your partner: Perform the task, listen attentively to whatever your spouse wants to talk about, engage in a discussion, physically reach back
• Reject the bid for attention: Refuse to do the task and give an excuse. This approach isn’t wholly hostile because there’s still room for conversation or negotiation
• Turn away: This is the most lethal response for relationships.

According to research, six years after a group of newlyweds were first observed, the ones still together turned toward each other, on average, 86 percent of the time as newlyweds, when facing a bid for attention. Those who split up turned toward each other an average 33 percent of the time.

Individual, couple, and family therapy are available whenever you hit a rough patch.  If substance abuse is a part of the mix, it is essential the couple deal with it therapeutically.  If you catch problems early, most of them are “fixable”.  If you wait too long, you will find it is too late. The other party or you may decide to “disinvest”.

If either of you have an affair during marriage, that betrayal is hard to overcome, but it can be done if the parties jointly agree to save the relationship, including (but certainly not limited to) the children’s sake.  If the reconciliation is going to work, the third-party interest has got to be shut out entirely and permanently, or the marriage is going to fail.

If there is domestic violence in the relationship, we will insist on counseling for either party we represent.  If the violence is active, we will help our client obtain a Final Restraining Order.  When we defend such cases, it must be on behalf of a party who has been unjustly accused or is ready to make a change – or we won’t represent them.

Once you’ve tried your best to make a declining marriage work, and you still don’t see a reasonable resolution, then we are here for you.  We are compassionate divorce counsel and excellent advocates for your short- and long-term interests.  We will be there with you every step of the way, along with financial, mental health, and other experts needed to get you through the process intact and headed towards a solid future for self and children.

We recommend various tools of Alternative Dispute Resolution, such as collaborative law, mediation, arbitration, direct negotiating with the other lawyer, and all similar approaches.  ADR tends to be more private, less expensive, faster, and more satisfying than traditional litigation.  It is a win-win approach rather than a win-lose (or a lose-lose) method.  We are very experienced in these modalities and will help you use one or more to best effect.  If those methods do not work or only work partially, chances are we will need some court involvement to get to resolution.  Less than 2% of cases that start in court end up in a full trial.  We try the 98% solution but need to prepare for the 2% event – and it can be hard to predict.

Bottom line, we understand children and families.  To the best of our ability, we will not make things unnecessarily difficult, time-consuming, or expensive for you – although we do not control the other party or their counsel.  We will do what we must, with your permission and consent, to get the divorce finalized.  And we are fierce advocates when necessary.  Call us at 609-683-7400 or contact us online to schedule a near-term initial consultation at a reduced rate.  We are conveniently located in Central Jersey’s Kingston community. Call today. You will be glad you did.