As family law attorneys, we’ve guided hundreds of clients and their families through difficult divorces. Here at Kingston Law Group, we work towards the best outcome for everybody involved, especially when it comes to children.

When a divorce gets heated, with much conflict between divorcing spouses, too often the children become polarized in the fight between the parents. Typically, such children experience many, if not all, of these pain points:

• Choosing sides between the parents after being exposed to open criticism of each
• Feelings of futility in needing to “betray” one parent if favoring the other
• Alienation from the “rejected” parent leading to a damaged and estranged relationship
• Smothering by the “preferred” parent leading to resentment and often rebellion
• Blame towards all involved and misplaced feelings of guilt for conflict between the parents

Our experience has shown that no matter how difficult the divorce, counseling the parties to look beyond blame and consider the needs of a polarized child makes for a better outcome. Forcing a child to choose between parents is painful and rarely creates a sustainable family structure.  Alienation is rarely in the best interests of a child.

Here are some of the points we consider in mitigating against polarization of the children in a divorce:

1. Safety and Welfare First – Despite potentially false allegations of abuse or neglect made by the preferred parent to shut the other parent out, all such claims must be investigated fully to ensure the child’s safety.
2. Consistency of Contact – Rather than putting time and distance between polarized children and the non-preferred parent, we advocate using mediation, therapy and other positive interventions to nurture the relationship beyond the divorce.
3. Finding Common Ground – There are going to be times when both parents should be present for the child (school events, birthdays, etc.), and divorcing spouses should consider how they can best be present for these things without fight (ex/ meeting beforehand to get out any negativity, etc. before the event) and support their child.
4. Taking Turns – Along a similar vein, when parents share the special occasions like birthdays or holidays, it works out better for the kids, either by taking turns or doing joint celebrations.
5. Kids Express, But Parents Choose – Children should be given the opportunity to express what they feel and want regarding the divorce, but ultimately kids must follow the divorce decree that reflects what the parents and the court decides.
6. Look for Holistic Fixes – Any intervention undertaken to heal fractured relationships between polarized children and parents must include both parents and have the support of, and sometimes participation with, extended family, any new significant others and step-family members. Also, anxiety and other disorders should be treated in context of the divorce and as part of the holistic healing process.

Remember: your divorce affects your child as much, if not more, than it does you. Focus predominantly on their needs and work with your attorney to make that happen. A skilled New Jersey family law attorney can offer creative solutions to shared parenting issues and help you find the best way to divorce without polarizing your child. A skilled therapist, especially a child-centered individual or family counselor, will work wonders for the family system.

If you are divorcing or have questions about divorce, call the family law specialists at Kingston Law Group.  We will listen to your facts, explain the law, and suggest approaches that are just right and reasonable for you.  We are compassionate counsel and tough advocates.  Call us at 609-683-7400, or contact us online, to make a near-term initial consultation at a reduced fee.  We are conveniently located in Central Jersey’s Kingston community. Call today.  You will be glad you did.