I filed my own divorce – and here’s why you should not.

If you have found your way to this post, first and foremost, I feel your pain. Whether you have been left by your significant other or are the one leaving your marriage, there is a death of a love, of a dream, and you are concerned for the emotional health and wellbeing of your children. You see many moving parts to work out in your future and may be unsure of where to start.

And let’s not forget about money – you are concerned about money. Will you have enough? How will divorce affect your financial future? How much will your divorce cost? How much will you pay or receive in alimony? In child support? How will you divide assets and debts?
The questions pile up as quickly as the imagined attorney bills you think you will have to pay.

Yes, I lived through that experience. Panic stricken and in a crazy emotional state, I made the decision to negotiate, write, and file my own divorce. Since my now ex-husband and I were civil and wanted to control costs, we decided to do it ourselves. I remember thinking, how hard could it be?

Now, five years later, I look back and realize that I would have done better with guidance from an experienced attorney, even considering the transaction costs. I could have been better prepared for the future I am now living. Here’s why.

First are the financial aspects:

An experienced attorney, possibly with input from an experienced financial planner, will look at your current financial situation, long-term and short-term earning potential, and calculate a reasonable settlement for you given all the factors. You may want to hold onto certain assets, keep the house, go back to school, and put your kids through college. One of you may want to hold onto the house, a car, or a vacation home. Looking at the short-term and long-term picture, your legal team can tell you the best plan of action — and your lawyer will negotiate in your best interest. Also, based on child support, alimony, and your employment status, your lawyer can advise you on how to divide up any debt, the best way to separate your credit, and how to move forward establishing financial independence.

Next – the division of assets:

This is the “who gets what” part of your divorce. Grandma’s silver platter up for grabs? The flat screen…vacation club points? How these things are valued and divided can be tricky. You may be willing to negotiate for items based on your emotional or sentimental attachment. However, when dealing with items of high value, they need to be balanced. What if there is a dispute about who gets what? Your lawyer can help you construct a private auction, or press for a sale to a third party. Once you move from emotion to forward motion, things will tend to calm down and get easier. Having constructive and problem solving professionals as advisors, coaches, and advocates is definitely a plus.

Child custody and parenting time schedule:

In New Jersey, the Child Support Guidelines are fairly straightforward. However, the child custody schedule you set can be very difficult to negotiate. You need an attorney who can include the right language for snow days, work travel, days when your children are sick. How are you going to divide the holidays and what about vacations that need to be scheduled when it is not your assigned parenting time? What happens if one parent is planning to relocate? An attorney can help you with each of these situations, introducing, as needed, a family therapist, a mediator, a parent coordinator, even an arbitrator to decide issues that the parties are unable to work out on their own or with the help of experts. Arbitration involves a privately hired judge who hears the case in a law office and makes a binding decision without right of appeal.

Emotional support:

To get through a divorce you need a significant amount of emotional support around you. There will be many times when you will need to reach out to a friend, a therapist, or religious leader for comfort to get you through the hard times. There are also a multitude of legal questions that surface and you should not struggle to get the answers on your own. An experienced divorce attorney can give you advice based on your particular needs and concerns.

Post-divorce issues:

Even after your divorce is finalized you may encounter issues that require renegotiation or even a trip to the courthouse. Examples of these post-divorce issues include unpaid child support and/or alimony, a broken promise about property rights, a parent does not want to spend time with a child, or a parent refuses to abide by a holiday schedule.

When these issues arise you can go back to your attorney, who already knows the details of your case, and get the legal help and advise you need.

Conclusion:

Hiring a lawyer is not nearly as expensive as you think, as long as you stay organized, both parties agree to be stay out of court, and you only pay for the legal support you need. There is also the option of Alternative Dispute Resolution, which eliminates the courtroom drama.

Your divorce agreement is a legally binding document to which you are held for many years. If you do not plan out every detail with great care, you could find yourself with little legal recourse and monumental problems. Do your research, talk to friends, and consult with a few attorneys to find the right fit for your personality. Make sure to put power, wisdom, and compassion to work for you. You will be glad that you did.

Bio:

Jennifer Gardella, Ph.D., is a social media consultant in New Jersey. She helps her clients build a digital footprint through individual consultations and monthly support. You can find out more by visiting her website – please make sure this link is live.

Jennifer has supported many men and women in her community through the pain of divorce and into an amazing life. Her blog NJ Divorce Mom and work on the Huffington Post give her a voice to share her stories as a single and divorced mom in New Jersey.

In her spare time you can find Jennifer parenting her three teenage daughters, gathered around her dining room table with her core of support, golfing with her special someone, and at the gym.