You may be in the same boat as Holiday Miller. According to the Chicago Tribune, Miller was in the middle of a divorce and wanted help getting her life back together. Miller reached out to Valerie Shepherd, someone who would understand exactly what Miller was going through. Shepherd had married Miller’s husband before Miller did.

In addition to marrying the same man, both women were teachers, they joined the same sorority in college, were members of the Junior League, and had stacks of divorce documents. They decided to pool their resources and write a book, to help others going through a divorce.  It is called, appropriately, “The Ex-Wives’ Guide to Divorce: How to Navigate Everything from Heartache and Finances to Child Custody.”

Says Shepherd, “We’re trying to help take away the stigma of divorce. Just because your relationship failed doesn’t mean you failed as a human being.”

Here are some of the authors’ suggestions for people in divorce:

• The authors are not financial planners, yet they have financial advice. Fill out the financial worksheet your attorney gives you quickly and completely. Create a separate bank account for yourself so your spouse can’t control your money. Apply for your own credit card so you can establish credit just in your name. If you haven’t already, get a free copy of your credit report, make sure it’s accurate, and if it’s not, make corrections. Change all passwords on any financially- related websites, including frequent flyer miles, and obtain duplicate copies of any accounts, from sports tickets to car titles.

• Kids will never forget when and how their parents announced they were getting a divorce, so that needs to be handled with great care. Both parents should break the news and show a unified front, agree to answers to expected questions ahead of time, and keep it short. Your children will only be able to absorb so much. Consider your relationship with your ex a business partnership. If one thinks the children need counseling, then the other should presumptively agree. Create clear boundaries and don’t use your child as your therapist or parent. Once the divorce process starts, keep things as “normal” as possible. Celebrate birthdays and holidays as best you can.

• When dealing with your emotions, you first need to be aware of them. Separate the business of getting a divorce (like filling out forms) from the personal side (like feeling angry or depressed). If you come purely from emotion, you won’t be able to make sound legal or financial decisions, which is what divorce boils down to. Divorce is the death of early dreams, so be prepared to grieve through the different stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Make a priority of the positive things in your life, like friends. If you can’t afford expensive fun with them, enjoy cheap fun with them. And definitely get therapy, as much as you can, as much as you can afford.  If your X2B is giving you a hard time, if there is active hostility between you bordering on violence, if there are persistent communications blocks, then consider divorce counseling.  It is not a trick to get you to reconcile.  It is a path to get yourself divorced.  Use it.

The message of the book is that divorce, too, shall pass. “The divorce doesn’t have to define you,” says Miller. “It is a defining moment in your life, but it is not the last chapter.”

If you are considering a divorce and have concerns about how it will financially impact your children and you, call the Central Jersey law offices of Hanan M. Isaacs, P.C., at 609-683-7400, or contact us online.  Schedule a near-term reduced fee initial consultation with one of our experienced divorce lawyers.  We will listen to your facts, explain the relevant laws, and advise about your best options to protect your legal rights and interests. 

Call now.  You will be glad you did.