It happens all the time. Most divorcing couples don’t have the financial means for one of the parties to rent or buy another place while the divorce is pending. They feel forced to live together for the sake of finances.

How do separating couples do it?

Many clients report that the couple began sleeping in separate rooms long ago. Some do so for months or even years prior to filing for a divorce. Many clients start leading separate lives while living under the same roof. However, this begs the question: When children are involved, what living arrangements are in their best interests?

What’s best for the children?

Couples, whether they are living together or have found separate residences, should always commit to maintaining the children’s normal routines as much as possible. Both parents should require the children to do their homework, complete household chores, and attend extra-curricular activities.

Remember that your children may need more attention during a divorce. It is important to co-parent in a constructive and productive way and to limit the negative psychological impact on your children. You should also attend to your own emotional and psychological needs.

You can plan to live separately even as you remain under one roof. You may begin to act the part. Each party can take the marital home on alternating weekends, keeping the children, and the other party can have the weekend off. This way each party can have the experience of being separated, and model for the kids what it will be like post-divorce. Adjustments are easier to make before the real move out.

What if things do not go exactly right?

You are doing your best to move on in life and keep the emotional baggage of the divorce to a minimum. There is no formula. There are some absolute wrongs (example: don’t bring your date home while the other party is present, or with the kids there), but there can be multiple right ways to structure this time period. If you try something and it doesn’t work, that’s fine. Learn from the experience and try something else.

Honest and open communications, especially with the help of a good family therapist, will determine what is best for this family-in-transition.

Some parents negotiate a “nesting” arrangement, keeping the kids in the former marital residence while the parents rotate in and out weekly or on weekends. They rent an apartment nearby that they share on an alternating basis. This is the ultimate cooperative arrangement, yet it works well for some people. If you think this model could work for you, check out kidsstay.org.

Conclusion

As you decide whether to stay or go, now or later, it is important to consult professionals who can help you highlight the benefits, risks, and dangers of whatever arrangement you are considering. Be sure to consult with experienced divorce lawyers and therapists, to decide for yourself what’s best for your family.