It is axiomatic in divorce litigation:  no one truly wins, and in fact each party may feel like a loser at the bitter end of a difficult process.

While recognizing the reality that not every case may be settled to the satisfaction of both parties, many people would be shocked to learn that a well-negotiated, win-win, outcome is possible for most people, even if they don’t get along, and even if they don’t  like or trust one another.

As lawyers who regularly participate in Alternative Dispute Resolution events (primarily mediation, arbitration, and Collaborative Law), we negotiate win-win outcomes for and with our clients all the time.  When parties are willing to cooperate, they can “go for the A+” and not feel constrained by “the law” or stuck with a bad bargain at the end of an exhaustive, expensive, and time-consuming negotiation that led to nowhere.

We advocate a “triage” approach for and with our clients, on an as-needed basis, as follows:

1. Negotiate the best informal and unsigned deal you are able to create, directly with your spouse or partner.  Deal with as many issues as possible, including (but not limited to) alimony (if applicable), child custody, child support, division/distribution of property, and allocation of transaction costs (mediation fee, legal fees, and costs).  Then take the work product to individual lawyers to review, tweak, and finalize the deal.
2. If a deal under Step 1 proves elusive, then engage the services of a lawyer/coach to assist you in the mediation process. Have that lawyer coach you through mediation on an “as needed” basis.
3. Jointly engage the services of an experienced and professional mediator whom the parties mutually select, pay for, and respect.
4. Jointly engage the services of a CPA or financial planner to assist the parties through Step 3. Again, unless otherwise agreed, the cost is shared equally.
5. Jointly engage the services of a Social Worker or psychologist to assist the parties in crafting an effective, workable, and durable parenting plan with the children in Step 3, and to coach the parties on creating a post-separation/post-divorce working relationship around co-parenting. Once again, unless otherwise agreed, the cost is shared equally.
6. Each of you will engage the services of a Collaborative Law attorney, if you prefer a two-attorney/two-party alternative to mediation, and repeat Steps 4 and 5 for that process.
7. Jointly engage the services of an experienced divorce arbitrator, as an alternative to litigation and mediation, who will work with legal counsel and the parties to create a fair, private, efficient, and cost-effective process resulting in a binding award on the issues referenced in Step 1. Again, the selection is mutual, and the payment is equal (unless the parties agree otherwise).  If the parties agree in a signed writing, the same person who served in Step 3 may serve again in Step 7.  The parties may repeat Steps 4 and 5 in arbitration.

The litigation option is always there for parties who consider and cannot agree on any of the above process options.  However, as the most expensive, time consuming, public, and least efficient of all the named processes, it should only be used as a last resort – yet sometimes it has to be used.

As a law firm, we pride ourselves on being “compassionate counsel” to our clients, and “tough advocates” to everyone else. We are ready and willing to use alternative means of dispute resolution when the opportunities arise or are court mandated, yet fully prepared to litigate matters in the Family Court (and elsewhere) when required by the parties, adversary legal counsel, and the circumstances.

As our good colleague Rachel Alexander, Esq., a divorce mediator, recently said, parties in divorce may choose to see themselves, wisely, as “on the same side”.

We fully agree.  The faster people understand that their counterparts are the keys to their ability to dissolve the marital partnership well and move on, the better off the children and they will be.  As a law firm, we support that model completely, in word and in deed.

Cooperation is the key to creating a supportive and reassuring message for your children and one another.  This permits parents and children to move on with confidence in one another and themselves.  As Rachel points out, “Parents are managing the situation, addressing their children’s needs, and demonstrating leadership and integrity. This exemplifies parents nourishing their children, which is, after all, the dynamic of a functional family.”

Contrast that cooperative and problem-solving dynamic with its litigation opposite:  resistance, refusal, undercutting behavior, disorder, tension, passive aggression, all of which affect not only the parents but the children as well.  As they observe their parents’ unraveling and regressive behavior, children may become unstable, fearful, anxious, and tend to act out.  In fact, they often mirror their parents’ emotional behavior, and sometimes the anti-social behavior as well.  That may take years to reverse, if it may be reversed at all.

We are experienced family lawyers, and we are here to help you.  Let us know if you need our advice, coaching, assistance, legal representation, or just a voice of reason to assist you in your separation and divorce processes.  We are here to help you.  Please contact us online or call us at 609-683-7400.  We will invite you to a near-term, reduced fee, initial consultation in our centrally located Kingston, N.J., offices.  Call now.  You will be glad you did.