As Americans age, divorce among older spouses has become common. Often, the separations are amicable.  Yet sometimes abusive spouses poison their relationships and their partners end the marriage because they have had enough. Age and relationship abuse cause unique challenges.

Is Your Spouse Abusive?

Abuse takes many forms, and you may be subjected to more than one type, according to Psychology Today. They include:

• Your spouse controls or tries to control your behavior, whether you see your friends or which ones you can see, how you dress, or your access to money. Your spouse may try to justify their control by claiming they’re trying to protect you. It could also include anger, threats, and criticism. This control can be a way to isolate you and make you more dependent on your spouse.

Emotional abuse can come in the form of trying to make you feel guilty, inadequate, unworthy, and incompetent. Your spouse knows how to hurt you, threatens to withhold affection or leave, and may be unfaithful. These are tools to try to manipulate you and force compliance with their demands.

Verbal abuse by using insulting, demeaning, or humiliating language in private and in front of others is meant to cause you emotional harm. Your spouse may tell jokes at your expense, call you names, ridicule, and insult you.

Sexual abuse covers both unwanted sex and withholding sex. It can also include sexual activity that’s violent or makes you uncomfortable .

Physical abuse includes unwanted touching, being struck, being pushed away, or being pulled towards your spouse. You could be beaten, choked, spat on, pinned down, or your spouse creates a dangerous situation for you or refuses to help you if you’re in physical danger.

Your spouse doesn’t allow you access to money and may try to prevent you from purchasing things. They try to keep financial control and make decisions by themselves. This may combine with emotional and verbal abuse, with justification that you’re unable to spend money wisely and will waste it because you’re incompetent.

Though this is usually an issue with young children, older children can be targets of parental alienation (an effort to emotionally and physically isolate you from your child). Your spouse may lie to your child and tell them you don’t love them, don’t like their spouse, or that you’ve privately criticized how you raise your children. This is another way to isolate you from others, especially an adult child who may help you out of this situation.

You may have dealt with this for years, or your spouse may suddenly become abusive. Abuse may be a sign of dementia, or perhaps your spouse feels angry or disappointed in how their life has turned out and blames you.

No matter the excuses, spousal abuse is unacceptable. You shouldn’t live in fear or blame yourself.  Among the actions steps you may decide to take, separation or divorce may be a viable option.

What are the Impacts of “Gray” Divorce?

In addition to the physical, emotional, and financial scars that come after spousal abuse, when you’re older, there are additional challenges you may face. One study of the long-term economic impacts on those divorcing after age fifty found:

• Women’s standard of living declined by 45% after a divorce. For men, the decrease was 21%. The standard of living didn’t rebound for either sex.

Both parties’ wealth was cut in half, which is what often happens when a divorcing couple’s assets are divided

These negative economic impacts persist over time, showing a later-in-life divorce can cause chronic economic strains.

Rebuilding wealth soon after divorce is difficult, if not impossible, particularly if the parties are retired or too disabled to work, have less disposable income, and can’t replenish their savings.

Given these financial realities, you must balance your need to get away from your abuser while maintaining as much wealth as possible. One option may be to officially remain married but live apart under a Separation Agreement. If one of you is working and providing health insurance through their employer, you may want to put off a divorce until you qualify for Medicare.

How Do I Balance My Needs?

If you’re older, an abuse victim, and considering a divorce, contact our office right away. We can discuss your situation, including your finances, and review your legal and financial options and how each can afect you. Divorce may impact your financial resources, but your need to escape the relationship may be the bigger priority.

We will listen to you, explain the law, and suggest right and reasonable approaches for you. We are compassionate counsel and tough advocates who are ready to help. Call us at 609-683-7400, or contact us online, to schedule a near-term initial consultation at a reduced fee. Call today. You will be glad you did.